… and I wish it would disappear. Last night, I was flying high on good happy emotions. Today, it’s all I can do to keep my head above water (figuratively speaking, of course).  (Yes, mother, I’ve taken my medication, no disrespect intended.)

As I’ve been curled up in the fetal position either in my bed or on the sofa for the best part of this morning, I’ve been debating about whether or not to write THIS post, THIS blog entry. Especially since as I went to bed last night, I had so many good and wonderful things from yesterday I wanted to share (and still do!). But I decided that, as this is my blog, and I can write about whatever I want, I would have my Pursuing Life journal include The Truth (the good), The Whole Truth (the bad), and Nothing But The Truth (the ugly).

If you are one of those people who believe that depression is something that solely resides “in your head,” or that all you have to do is pray harder and longer, than we’re gonna disagree. Depression is REAL, a very REAL disease that can stop you dead in your tracks and make you feel worthless, like a piece a piece of cow manure being scraped off a farmer’s boot. And yes, being where I need to be in my relationship with God helps – a LOT, but medication and a good counselor (gotta get another one of these; mine had to step down b/c her hubby’s been diagnosed with terminal cancer) go a LO-OOO-ONG way, too.

All morning long, the soundtrack of “You’re worthless,” “You can’t do anything right,” “You’re nothing but a lazy, good-for-nothing, excuse for a human being” – this one in a certain somebody’s voice,”You’ve got too much that needs to be done to just be laying here,” has been repeating itself over and over in my head. And I could drown it out temporarily with a praise song or a nap, but then it comes right back, with renewed vigor and more upsetting and ugly thoughts added each time. (It took me an hour and 1/2 to get up the energy/wherewithal to pick up the computer and begin writing this post.)

I’m not looking for a pat on the back, or encouragement – I can come up with those, too. All I have to do is look back through this blog to see the REAL things I’ve accomplished. I canned apple butter, tomato sauce, and grape jelly. I made pumpkin puree. And kept the kitchen clean while I was doing it and/or immediately after. I hauled dirt – a LOT of dirt, and got a garden started, and my broccoli plants and onions are starting to grow (which I know b/c I forced myself to get up and take a walk out there this morning and look at them)! I’m getting better at parenting my son, and enjoying him.  I got accepted to college. But throwing these thoughts at the discouraging ones just seems to be like throwing fuel on the fire for it to come up with even more ammunition against me. And I hate it, absolutely, utterly detest it, and I would give just about anything to make it STOP! And you can’t put your hands over your ears and sing “La La La La La” at the top of your lungs to make the noise disappear because the noise is in your own head! Why can’t I have quiet in MY head? Why must my thoughts be warring against each other?

Maybe this is hitting me today all of a sudden because it’s November 1st, and that means the wonderful holiday season is soon to be upon us, and this will be my first birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without my Daddy. And I’m always depressed at the holidays anyway (at least the month of December – still haven’t fully figured that one out), so this should be a really “fun” holiday season.

I repeat, I’m not looking for a pat on the back, but prayers – those are ALWAYS welcome.

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