I know, it’s been ages since I’ve been on here. Thought y’all might like to know I’m still alive, and I needed to get some stuff off my chest.

It’s still my dream to live God-sufficiently, but right now I just don’t see that happening. It appears that for a few more months at least, I’ll be living in my mom’s house, which means living by her rules. Which means no new critters. I had a really good line on some rabbits (the big ones, Flemish Giants) for breeding for meat rabbits, but she just doesn’t think that’s a good idea – she’s unsure that I have the time to devote to it, and she’s not sure that whatever ate the chickens won’t eat the rabbits.  So I will honor my mother. It’s hard to be so close to realizing a part of a dream, and to have it just be taken out of your hands.

I’m still at my Mom’s, btw, because she’s had a setback with her vision, and for the last month she’s had to rely on someone else to do all her driving. Her doctor did just give her the green light on driving, but he’s also going to do some more laser work in about 5 weeks, which most likely means another setback in her vision, and I (and other friends) will get to be driver again.

Not that I mind it – I truly don’t. My mom and I do get along great, but there is that old saying – the one that says something about 2 women in one house is one woman too many. And it’s been 2-1/2 years … I’m ready (emotionally at least) to move out, to have my space that consists of more than the bedroom I occupied as a child, with my son no longer in the bedroom that was my sister’s.

I’m ready for a divorce, but my ex is not. He wants ALL debt taken care of first. In a way I understand that, but I’m ready to move on with my life (no, there is no one in the picture, or even on the horizon right now), and that’s something my faith and belief system won’t let me do without our relationship being totally over legally. Believe me, it’s totally over in every way but legally right now..

Why do I feel like a failure? I know I’ve done the best I’ve can for my son, gotten us both out of a not-so-great situation, and now that I feel that it’s time to move on, I can’t. I can’t live my dream of having chickens for eggs, and rabbits for meat, and goats for milk and meat. I feel these are God-given desires, and yet I can’t act on them. I know God’s timing is perfect, but right now, it surely just feels like I’m in a great big huge let-down. I couldn’t even can my own tomato sauce this summer (something I very much wanted to do) because my blasted tomato bushes just didn’t produce enough! And unlike last year, I didn’t want to can with store-bought produce.

At least I still have 3 ducks on the pond – 2 boys and 1 girl; don’t know what happened to the other girl.  I sure do love to watch them swim, and let them eat out of my hand.

I do still love my job at the hardware/feed store (and don’t forget taxes during tax season). I love working with the owners’ family, a good Christian family. I love that my son can get off the bus at the store and stay until closing time with me, finishing his homework in the backroom, and playing with the owners’ children. I can see God’s blessing in this area of my life, at least.

Why is it so hard to count the blessings when the negatives seem to outweigh them on every side? Deep inside I know that’s not true, but it’s what feels real right now.

(I wrote this very tearfully, very painfully, very early this morning. Now I’ve gone back through and re-edited and taken out some things that truly were for “mine and God’s eyes only” – guess that’s why they invented that “save draft” button ;))

 

Advertisements