Posts from the ‘A Life More Abundant’ Category

The Burial of a Dream

Wow, this is gonna be harder to write than I thought; I thought it would be therapeutic to put it in writing. Ok, just get started.

This is titled “Burial of a Dream” and not “Death of a Dream” for a reason – there is a difference. The dream died a long time ago. It’s part of why I started this blog – to put emphasis on the new dream. On me wanting to live more God-sufficiently, both in a “self”-sufficient lifestyle and in a stronger relationship with my Savior, my Creator, the Lover of my Soul. The new dream is not dead, not by a long-shot; it just can’t happen yet, part 1 at least. Part 2 will be a work-in-progress until the day I die.

No, I realized over Christmas that while the old dream was very, very dead, I hadn’t yet buried it, so it – and I – could rest in peace.

See, for Christmas, we visited my sister. And she and her husband are stationed at the same military post my (soon-to-be) ex is stationed at. That I was going to be stationed at with him, as a proudly supportive military wife. The same military installation I’d done all the research on, figuring out what was where, looking into churches to visit, seeing what avenues were available for making new friends for myself and my son, activities to involve my son in, what neighborhood would be best for him to be at the best school, etc, etc, ad nauseum. And that dream died nearly 3 years ago.

Yes, I made the conscious decision NOT to follow him there, when my eyes were opened to just how wrong everything was, and it wasn’t something I could fix by myself or ignore once the truth was brought to light, but it hurt to not only realize that my marriage was over, but that my dream of moving far, far away was not going to happen.

After awhile, I got used to being “back home.” To being back with old friends, and making new ones in this little-bitty town I grew up in. To the idea that I was no longer a “proud military wife.” But it was when I visited my sister, and she was driving us around “The Great Place” that I realized it still hurt. I was supposed to have been then before her. I was supposed to have been the one showing her around. And that’s when I realized that I’d known a long while that my dream was dead, but I hadn’t buried it yet. I was still holding on to it.

I know, it’s crazy. I mean, I wouldn’t have this new dream if the old one wasn’t gone, right? Wrong! It’s like when a family member or friend dies, and you miss them, but then you have the funeral – to “make it real” that they’re gone. It took going out there to “make it real” to me that I wasn’t going to move out there, that yes, my sister is living what was once my dream, but also because it’s supposed to be hers, and was never meant to be mine.

But that wonderful trip to my sister’s showed me something else, too. I am right where I’m supposed to be – right where God wants me to be. In a little, bitty town with one red-light, where the “Good Ol’ Boy” system (for better and for worse) is still in full swing, where I work at the General Store, and can dream of owning goats, and chickens, and producing a good quantity of my own food. Because this is my life, my dream, my reality. And God has directed every step 🙂

Forgiving on a Daily Basis – Help!

Why is this SO hard to deal with? You think you’ve forgiven somebody for something, and then wham-o, God brings to mind another issue, or a spin-off of the same one back to the forefront that still needs to be dealt with.  AARGH!!!

I’m fairly certain I’ve forgiven the main issue. It doesn’t bother me on a daily basis like it used to, and I’m not having to constantly bring it before God’s throne, begging “Help me forgive!” A couple other things (that don’t need to be mentioned here) have recently reared their ugly little heads, and I realize I’ve got to daily, hourly, do whatever it takes to get them forgiven. (70 x 7 – yes, I know it’s really a figurative number that represents infinity.)

But how do I forgive a daily, ongoing offense? I’m asking this seriously, and sincerely. It breaks my heart every day to see my son want some attention from his dad, yet this is the same child – who at the age of 9 – comes home from 2 weeks with his dad this summer and says “I don’t think Daddy loves me.”

Stop! Go back, and re-read that last underlined sentence. May it break your heart as much as it still breaks mine.

Even at 9 (now 10) years old he instinctively knows that actions speak louder than words. How do you respond to that? How do you handle that? How do you forgive that? (He’s also figured out that Dad is the Dad of “ask and ye shall receive” and is looking forward to the PS3 he’s been promised for Christmas. *sigh* But that’s another matter.)

How do I forgive this man every day when he pays no attention whatsoever to our child. He calls twice a year – birthday and Christmas, and actually sent a birthday gift this year because I texted him and reminded him of the upcoming occasion and what would be appreciated. If Teddy’s lucky, there might be another couple of phone calls interspersed.

How do I forgive every day when I see my son struggle watching other fathers and sons, and knowing he wishes he had that bond?

How do I forgive every time when my own son tells me I need to sign up for ChristianMingle.com because he wants a Daddy? (No, I haven’t – thought about it, but haven’t, ONLY because the divorce isn’t legal yet.)

How do I forgive when my son says to my, “I don’t want you and Daddy to get a divorce, but I like not having to listen to the yelling all the time, not being yelled at all the time, and I know I can’t have another Daddy until you are divorced.”?

How do I forgive when it’s my sister’s husband (God Bless You Uncle Jason!!!) who’s actually shown my son what a father’s love is really supposed to be like, feel like, act like, look like?

How do I forgive when it’s currently the men in church –  AWANA leaders, the Pastor, his Sunday School teacher, etc, who are stepping in to fill that void as best they can around their own family schedules?

If nothing else, please pray for me regarding this. I’m currently going through “Choosing Forgiveness” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and that has helped in many ways. If you have any Biblical based advice, please feel free to share it in the comments section. I just know this is eating me up inside, and that’s wrong.  I don’t know how to break free of this.

Trying to remember that God Is Bigger

Today, for just a few minutes, can I please relinquish my grown-up status, and revert back to insecure kid for just a little while? I’m tired of acting like I’ve got everything handled and together, when inside, I feel like curling up in a ball and just want somebody to hold me while I cry.

And while I’ve felt God’s love, I’ve felt His strength, I’ve never – in all my almost 34 years –  felt truly held by Him (as referenced in so many Christian songs, for instance Natalie Grant’s “Held” or Tenth Avenue North’s “Over and Underneath”).

My back doctor (not in so many words) told me today I’m gonna hafta “grin and bear it” because my x-rays look beautiful and the bone is growing in wonderfully. Just keep taking pain management measures because it’s a “mechanical” issue and not a structural one – meaning continue to build up muscle strength around the area. It didn’t seem to matter that I told him physical therapy isn’t helping – at all. GRRRR! So I get to go back in a month.

So instead of relinquishing grown-up status, I get to be Mommy, and help with homework, and pretend everything is all right, and figure out why the new 3DS isn’t working, and do all this with a headache and a backache, and wish I could feel God holding me.

A child needs a father

Now on to why I’m up so late tonight – but at least it’s still tonight, and not tomorrow morning!

How much longer do I have to listen to my son ask me “Mama, when will you get me a new Daddy?” Yes, he understands that we are not divorced yet, and like any child, does not want that fate to befall his parents. I believe he also understands that – short of a miracle, it will happen.  He knows there is such a wide gap in what I believe, and am teaching him to believe, and what his dad believes (or rather, doesn’t believe in). Because he wants a Daddy that he knows cares about him, all the time, everyday, not just when he (Teddy) is physically present.

How long must I watch him be disappointed? How long must my heart break for my child? He, like any son, has absolute love in his heart for his father. I cannot blame him for that – it’s the way God hard-wired him. But it breaks my heart to see him disappointed over and over again – when the phone doesn’t ring (not that it was scheduled to), when he doesn’t have an e-mail from his dad in response to one he sent, or one that wasn’t sent “just because.”

I was open and allowed him to spend 2 weeks – 2 whole weeks with his dad this summer. I put him on a plane all by himself (he did just great, just like I knew he would), and he had a grand time. They saw the sights, they sat and watched TV, and played video games – things fathers and sons do together. And he hasn’t bothered contacting his son ONCE, not one single solitary time in the almost 2 months he’s been back home. Of course, what should I expect from the man who calls his son on Christmas, and only talked to him again end of Feb/first of March b/c Teddy was pitching an “I WANT MY DADDY” fit, so I whipped out my cell, scrolled down to the number, hit send, and handed him the phone. And that was the last he talked to him until Teddy went out to see him.

The men in our church have stepped up as much as they can to help out; but they do have their own families to raise. My wonderful Christian boss I mentioned in the previous post is setting an example, too, and helping out where he can. But this child needs someone on a near day-in-day-out basis, someone to talk too, play ball with, go fishing with, go hunting with, learn how to be a guy – ‘cuz God knows I have no clue! (Uncle Jason – we miss you dearly!)

My prayer is that God will please send a father-figure into Teddy’s life for the here and now. I’m having a hard enough time being Mom; I definitely don’t know how to be Dad, too!

Random Vent

I know, it’s been ages since I’ve been on here. Thought y’all might like to know I’m still alive, and I needed to get some stuff off my chest.

It’s still my dream to live God-sufficiently, but right now I just don’t see that happening. It appears that for a few more months at least, I’ll be living in my mom’s house, which means living by her rules. Which means no new critters. I had a really good line on some rabbits (the big ones, Flemish Giants) for breeding for meat rabbits, but she just doesn’t think that’s a good idea – she’s unsure that I have the time to devote to it, and she’s not sure that whatever ate the chickens won’t eat the rabbits.  So I will honor my mother. It’s hard to be so close to realizing a part of a dream, and to have it just be taken out of your hands.

I’m still at my Mom’s, btw, because she’s had a setback with her vision, and for the last month she’s had to rely on someone else to do all her driving. Her doctor did just give her the green light on driving, but he’s also going to do some more laser work in about 5 weeks, which most likely means another setback in her vision, and I (and other friends) will get to be driver again.

Not that I mind it – I truly don’t. My mom and I do get along great, but there is that old saying – the one that says something about 2 women in one house is one woman too many. And it’s been 2-1/2 years … I’m ready (emotionally at least) to move out, to have my space that consists of more than the bedroom I occupied as a child, with my son no longer in the bedroom that was my sister’s.

I’m ready for a divorce, but my ex is not. He wants ALL debt taken care of first. In a way I understand that, but I’m ready to move on with my life (no, there is no one in the picture, or even on the horizon right now), and that’s something my faith and belief system won’t let me do without our relationship being totally over legally. Believe me, it’s totally over in every way but legally right now..

Why do I feel like a failure? I know I’ve done the best I’ve can for my son, gotten us both out of a not-so-great situation, and now that I feel that it’s time to move on, I can’t. I can’t live my dream of having chickens for eggs, and rabbits for meat, and goats for milk and meat. I feel these are God-given desires, and yet I can’t act on them. I know God’s timing is perfect, but right now, it surely just feels like I’m in a great big huge let-down. I couldn’t even can my own tomato sauce this summer (something I very much wanted to do) because my blasted tomato bushes just didn’t produce enough! And unlike last year, I didn’t want to can with store-bought produce.

At least I still have 3 ducks on the pond – 2 boys and 1 girl; don’t know what happened to the other girl.  I sure do love to watch them swim, and let them eat out of my hand.

I do still love my job at the hardware/feed store (and don’t forget taxes during tax season). I love working with the owners’ family, a good Christian family. I love that my son can get off the bus at the store and stay until closing time with me, finishing his homework in the backroom, and playing with the owners’ children. I can see God’s blessing in this area of my life, at least.

Why is it so hard to count the blessings when the negatives seem to outweigh them on every side? Deep inside I know that’s not true, but it’s what feels real right now.

(I wrote this very tearfully, very painfully, very early this morning. Now I’ve gone back through and re-edited and taken out some things that truly were for “mine and God’s eyes only” – guess that’s why they invented that “save draft” button ;))

 

This is the day … (part 2)

… that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Translation – I will put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Again.

Although today is a little bit easier to deal with than yesterday. Today is the one-year anniversary of my Dad going to be eternally with God. Eternally rejoicing, eternally praising, taking residence in his mansion, taking walks on those golden streets with his Dad and Mom, and Jesus, too! And I know one of these days, I’ll be there too 🙂

It’s just a reminder that he’s not with us anymore on this planet, and that’s a little sad.

This is the day …

… that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Translation – I will put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Deal with the fact that today is the 2-year anniversary of the phone call that opened my eyes to the fact that the death knell had been tolled on my marriage. Deal with the fact that that phone call from his girlfriend signified one rejection from my husband, and lead to another rejection – I was willing to forgive, and he said “no;”  he wanted her, not me. Deal with the fact that while he pays child support and doesn’t complain about it, he also doesn’t have anything to do with our son, and doesn’t appear to want to. Deal with listening to my son ask for a new Daddy, one who wants to play baseball with him in the backyard, and take him fishing, and just do all those father/son things that (God bless him!) my sister’s husband is doing with Teddy, and showing him what a father’s love is supposed to look like. Deal with the fact that yesterday my sister and her husband moved several states away, and Teddy will once again not have a consistent male presence in his life.

Dear God,

Please, please, please give me Your strength to get through this day, this time, this era in my life. Help me to be the best Mom I can be for my son. Provide Teddy once again with somebody to look up to and play ball with and go fishing with and do “guy stuff” with that Mama’s just aren’t good at.  Thank you for the men in the church who do help out as their family responsibilities allow.

Amen