Archive for October, 2011

Forgiving on a Daily Basis – Help!

Why is this SO hard to deal with? You think you’ve forgiven somebody for something, and then wham-o, God brings to mind another issue, or a spin-off of the same one back to the forefront that still needs to be dealt with.  AARGH!!!

I’m fairly certain I’ve forgiven the main issue. It doesn’t bother me on a daily basis like it used to, and I’m not having to constantly bring it before God’s throne, begging “Help me forgive!” A couple other things (that don’t need to be mentioned here) have recently reared their ugly little heads, and I realize I’ve got to daily, hourly, do whatever it takes to get them forgiven. (70 x 7 – yes, I know it’s really a figurative number that represents infinity.)

But how do I forgive a daily, ongoing offense? I’m asking this seriously, and sincerely. It breaks my heart every day to see my son want some attention from his dad, yet this is the same child – who at the age of 9 – comes home from 2 weeks with his dad this summer and says “I don’t think Daddy loves me.”

Stop! Go back, and re-read that last underlined sentence. May it break your heart as much as it still breaks mine.

Even at 9 (now 10) years old he instinctively knows that actions speak louder than words. How do you respond to that? How do you handle that? How do you forgive that? (He’s also figured out that Dad is the Dad of “ask and ye shall receive” and is looking forward to the PS3 he’s been promised for Christmas. *sigh* But that’s another matter.)

How do I forgive this man every day when he pays no attention whatsoever to our child. He calls twice a year – birthday and Christmas, and actually sent a birthday gift this year because I texted him and reminded him of the upcoming occasion and what would be appreciated. If Teddy’s lucky, there might be another couple of phone calls interspersed.

How do I forgive every day when I see my son struggle watching other fathers and sons, and knowing he wishes he had that bond?

How do I forgive every time when my own son tells me I need to sign up for ChristianMingle.com because he wants a Daddy? (No, I haven’t – thought about it, but haven’t, ONLY because the divorce isn’t legal yet.)

How do I forgive when my son says to my, “I don’t want you and Daddy to get a divorce, but I like not having to listen to the yelling all the time, not being yelled at all the time, and I know I can’t have another Daddy until you are divorced.”?

How do I forgive when it’s my sister’s husband (God Bless You Uncle Jason!!!) who’s actually shown my son what a father’s love is really supposed to be like, feel like, act like, look like?

How do I forgive when it’s currently the men in church –  AWANA leaders, the Pastor, his Sunday School teacher, etc, who are stepping in to fill that void as best they can around their own family schedules?

If nothing else, please pray for me regarding this. I’m currently going through “Choosing Forgiveness” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and that has helped in many ways. If you have any Biblical based advice, please feel free to share it in the comments section. I just know this is eating me up inside, and that’s wrong.  I don’t know how to break free of this.

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Trying to remember that God Is Bigger

Today, for just a few minutes, can I please relinquish my grown-up status, and revert back to insecure kid for just a little while? I’m tired of acting like I’ve got everything handled and together, when inside, I feel like curling up in a ball and just want somebody to hold me while I cry.

And while I’ve felt God’s love, I’ve felt His strength, I’ve never – in all my almost 34 years –  felt truly held by Him (as referenced in so many Christian songs, for instance Natalie Grant’s “Held” or Tenth Avenue North’s “Over and Underneath”).

My back doctor (not in so many words) told me today I’m gonna hafta “grin and bear it” because my x-rays look beautiful and the bone is growing in wonderfully. Just keep taking pain management measures because it’s a “mechanical” issue and not a structural one – meaning continue to build up muscle strength around the area. It didn’t seem to matter that I told him physical therapy isn’t helping – at all. GRRRR! So I get to go back in a month.

So instead of relinquishing grown-up status, I get to be Mommy, and help with homework, and pretend everything is all right, and figure out why the new 3DS isn’t working, and do all this with a headache and a backache, and wish I could feel God holding me.